COMEDY

Hey mambo!

hii ni safu ya vituko mbalimbali vitavyokufanya uweunacheka na kupoteza mawazo yanayokuzonga...

 we si baunsa,...njoo sasa

 Bichwa kama langu

 Hallow!!!

#Jamaaa baada ya shughuli za kutwa kaingia mahala akiwa na mpenzi wake wapete mbili tatu. Jamaa kamwita mhudumu na kwa kuwa hakuwa akijisikia kunywa akaamua atacheza pool tu.Mambo yakawa hivi

Jamaa: Naomba niletee token
Sista duu:Namimi namafua leo sitaki vitu vya baridi niletee token ya moto

Watu wacha waangue kicheko hapo.

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John alionekana kapona hivyo atolewe kwenye hospitali ya machizi arudishwe kwao. Asubuhi mmoja akachukuliwa na ambulance mpaka jirani na kwake, akaulizwa unapafahamu hapa? John: Ndio nyumba yangu ileee. Ghafla mlango wa nyumba ile ukafunguka wakatoka watoto wawili wamevaa yunifom.. John: Hee na watoto wangu walee wanaenda shule. Mara akatoka mwanamke, John akafurahi,' Mke wangu yule, mke wangu jamani'. Madaktari walianza kumfungulia atoke kwenye gari ghafla mwanaume akatoka kwenye ile nyumba, John akaangalia kwa makini kisha akaruka kwa furaha,' Mimi yulee naenda kazini, unaona nilivyopendeza na suti ile nilinunua Manzese...

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Jamaa mmoja alimchukua paka wake na kwenda kumtupa mbali, ailiporudi nyumbani alimkuta paka amekwisharudi.

Jamaa alikasirika sana! Siku ya pili akamchukua na kwenda naye zaidi ya kilometa 50, akapita chochoro za kutosha kisha akamtupa akaanza safari ya kurudi nyumbani, baada ya muda akampigia simu mkewe..."Vipi mke wangu huyo paka yupo?"

Mke akajibu, Ndiyo mume wangu yuko hapa tena ametulia imekuaje? Jamaa: hebu mpe simu anielekeze njia!

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Dingi kanunua simu mpya akiwa na mwanae sebuleni akitest milio

Kwa bahati mbaya dingi akajamba "Pwiii.."

Katoto kakadakia: usiweke huo baba una harufu mbaya.

 # Mwalimu alimuuliza John darasani,

"Ukiwa mkubwa, utataka nini?"
John akajibu;
"Nataka niwe na pesa, nioe mke mrembo; tuwe tunaogelea pamoja, niwe nikifanya mapenzi nae mara tatu kwa siku, niwe...... .."

Mwalimu akamkatiza asiendelee, kisha akamgeukia Happy na kumuuliza,"Na we unataka uwe nani ukiwa mkubwa?"
Happy akajibu,"Nataka niwe mke wa John!

Si wamekuja kuoana kweli!!

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Mwizi baada ya kusomewa mashtaka ya kuiba simu ndipo akaanza kujitetea:

Hakimu: Toa utetezi wako kwa nin uliiba simu?

Inno: Nilikuwa napita zangu nikasikia simu inasema"NIBEBE NIBEBE UNICHUKUE MIKONONI MWAKO NIWE SALAMA." Ndio mheshimiwa hakimu nikaichukua

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Mpenzi: Nice phone baby,where did you buy it?
Godson: I won it in a running race.
Mpenzi: How many people participated? 
Godson: It was the MOBILE OWNER,POLICE OFFICER and ME

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KUNA JAMAA ALIENDA KUPOSA KWA MZEE MMOJA ILIKUWA HIVI!!!

MZEE:    Yaani wewe Umekuja kuposa huku Unatafuna Big G? Si Dharau hiyo!!
JAMAA:  Natoa Harufu ya Sigara Mzee..
MZEE:     Unasemaje? Unavuta Sigara Pia?
JAMAA:   Nikitoka Club kulewa ndio huwa navuta Sigara Mzee..
MZEE:     Tobaa! Unalewa Pia!?
JAMAA:   Nilianza Kulewa Nilipokuwa Jela...
MZEE:      Yaani na kufungwa pia umeshawahi?
JAMAA:   Ahh Si Niliuwa Mtu.
MZEE:     Mtumeeee!!!! Kumbe wewe muuaji!!!! Astaghafillulah..
JAMAA:  Si Kuna mzee mmoja bwege nilitaka kumposa mwanae akanikatalia, Si nikamuulia mbali
MZEE:     Karibu Baba, Unataka harusi lini? Mimi Sina tabu, Mke tu Umepata!! Mkeo huyu hapa,        kazi kwako baba..

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Mwanakwaya alienda kulalamika kwa padre kuwa mke wake hajui kufanya mapenzi kabisaaa... Naalikuwa na mpango wa kumuacha...Padre akajibu kwa COMFIDENCE, "Si afadhari mke wako anajua kidogo, mke wa mpiga kinanda ndio hajui kitu kabisaa, mke wa Petro yule mzee wa kanisa na tako lake kama la kichina ndo buree kabisaaa anazidiwa na sista Mary, yaani kwa humu mwenye afadhari ni mkeo na Salome yule mwalimu wa sunday school..."  

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Man went to a pub with his wife. When he left for the counter a prostitute approached his wife & whispered "DEMAND CASH B4 SEX," he doesn't PAY! The wife gets angry and starts shouting at the unfaithful husband for going out with prostitutes. The husband advises the wife that they leave the pub and go home to sort out the problem. They book a cab but on the way the wife continues shouting and the Taxi driver stops and tells the man, "You, every time you book my taxi you always argue with your prostitutes, get out of my car" THE WIFE GOT MAD.THE HUSBAND COLLAPSED.

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Ha! Msumali unatembea?
DOGO mmoja alitoa mpya baada ya kuvuta bangi, kama ilivyo kawaida vijana wanapokutana kijiweni huvuta bangi. Dogo baada ya kuvuta bangi alirudi nyumbani kwao wakati huo bangi imemchengu bila kujijua. Alipoingia chumbani kwake alivua shati ili aliweke kwenye msumali. Lakini kumbe ukutani alikuwepo nzi, ikawa kazi ya kuweka shat kila alipokuwa akiweka shati nzi alikuwa akipaa naye aliendelea kumfuata akijua ni msumali hadi nzi alipotoka nje.
Kwa vile bangi ilikuwa inamchengua aliendelea kumfuata nzi akiamini msumali ulikuwa ukitembea. Sebuleni alikutana na mama yake huku akiendelea kuweka shati ukutani bila mafanikio. “Wewe Tom unafanya nini?” “Mama msumali leo unanizingua kila nikiweka shati unahama nami siuachi mpaka niweke shati langu.” “Wee mwanangu bangi zinakushinda msumali gani wakati huyo unayemfuata ni nzi.” mmmh

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[MKE];           (akiongea kwa hasira),mume wangu uko wapi mpaka mida hii saa 4 za usiku?
[MUME];        Mke wangu unalikumbuka lile duka la urembo ambalo tuliukuta ule mkufu wa dhahabu ambao ulisema unaupenda sana halafu nikakwambia sina hela ila nikasema ipo siku nikipata hela nitakununulia? [MKE];           Yes,yes napakumbuka dear,enhee niambie!  
[MUME];       Okay sasa kwa nyuma yake kuna bar,nipo nakunywa hapa! 

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One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran." 


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DEMU MMOJA ALIFUMANIWA GUEST NA MUMEWE...ILI KUJIOKOA AKAAMUA KUTIMUA MBIO UCHI WA MNYAMA NA KUZAMA MOJA KWA MOJA KWNY TAXI ILIYOPAKI NJE YA GUEST HIYO HUKU AKIMHARAKISHA DEREVA WAONDOKE.....DEREVA AKAWA ANAMWANGALIA (CHABO KUMCHUNGULIA) KWA MSHANGAO!!! YULE MWANAMKE AKAMWAMBIA DEREVA UNASHANGAA NINI KWANI HUJUI U*HI? YULE DEREVA KASEMA SISHANGAI U*HI NASHANGAA HELA UTAKAYONILIPA UMEIWEKA WAPI???

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UCHUMI UNAPOMKALIA VIBAYA DINGI NYUMBANI....
ECONOMICAL DOWNTURN TO FAMILIES/HOMES HOME INTERNAL MEMO

FROM: FATHER
TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES
CC: MOTHER
DATE: TODAY

ECONOMIC SITUATION AND GROUND RULES

Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going to be accepted.

1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from me upon submission of written request.

2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed!

3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justifications backed by a qualified dietician's report.

4. Watering with horses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall permit.

5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.

6. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.

7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.

8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from the house.

9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in the house, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).

10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay at their homes. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival.
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!

mmmh wewe ungeweza kuishi home kwa masharti haya????

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Baada ya mr mboto kusikia tangazo kwenye radio kuwa yeyote mwenye watt 10 atapata msaada wa serikali na kuhudumiwa kila kitu..alichomoka hm kwake speed kwenda kumchukua mtt wake wa nje kwa kuwa..mr mboto anawatt 9.!.ile kurudi tu na yule mtt 1 hm kamkuta mrs mboto mwenyewe bila wale watoto,alipomuuliza mke wake akasema watt wote wamekuja kuchukuliwa na baba zao...

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A dog asked a Cat:
Dog: Why do you hide when having sex…?
Cat replied: Because we don’t want human to copy our style. 
They have already copied yours!